Nikki
by Dee8
Summary: In the SIA (Simon Is Alive) universe: A devastating loss threatens to tear CJ and Simon apart. (COMPLETE!)
1. Default Chapter

February, 2005

"CJ, I don't want to die when I only just started living!"

The words kept repeating in CJ's head as, nearly blinded by tears, she watched the casket being lowered into the freshly dug grave. With one arm wrapped around Simon's waist, his hand gripping hers in a bone-crushing grip, CJ wished her husband would snap out of his stupor. Her concern over his numbed state kept growing steadily over the last three days, since the agonizing evening his daughter died in their arms. Simon didn't once cry, or for that matter speak, other than to the funeral director. Nights he slept in Nikki's room, holding on to her favorite Teddy bear, while CJ dozed in the chair next to what used to be her bed. With the medical equipment gone, the room looked like a typical 17-year-old girl's room.

Except that its occupant wasn't there, and would never come back.

***

May 2002

"So, I gotta ask you – who's the 'squirt' you've been calling every so often when I keep you at work late?"

It was CJ's first question when they sat down for drinks after the play in New York. She knew Simon was single – the hunger in his eyes and the passion when they finally kissed attested to that. Uncharacteristically, she also trusted him enough to feel he wouldn't be two-timing her; yet there were these phone calls she overheard at times…

"My daughter, Nicole."

"Oh…wow, I guess…" CJ stopped, feeling stupid. Why it never occurred to her that Simon probably had a life before they met was beyond her. 

"Wow, you guess?" Simon looked at her apprehensively. He didn't expect her to be that flustered just hearing he had a daughter…what was going to happen when she heard the rest of it?

"No, it's just…I feel pretty stupid for not thinking in that direction…" she blushed, and he relaxed, and laughed softly.

"Well, you know, I don't actually give vibes of having life outside the Secret Service when I'm in Agent mode."

She smiled at him, and touched his hand. She wanted to know him; in every way possible. Would his having a child complicate their budding relationship? She sighed and looked at him. She just wanted to have drinks and savor the beginning of a new relationship…But she had to ask.

"How often do you see her? How old is she?"

He looked at her, amused. "You assume she lives with her mother? That's kind."

CJ gaped at him. "But…your job…I mean how can you parent? You're joking, right?"

He shook his head. "Nope. My brother and his wife live just outside DC. They help when I have to travel. And Nik just turned 14, so it's not like she's a baby."

He sighed and looked at his glass for a moment.

"How much do you know about Cystic Fibrosis?" he asked softly.


	2. Chapter 2

CJ thought for a moment, her mind still whirling.

"It's a genetic disorder, right? Something to do with the lungs?"

He snorted humorlessly. And the pancreas, which means digestion of food…"

CJ looked at him, her hand creeping to his, squeezing gently. "And your daughter has it?"

He nodded.

She swallowed. "How sick is she?"

Simon sighed. "She was diagnosed when she was three months old, and has had a really hard time since the beginning. When she was 18 months old, her mother took off. She left me a note saying she couldn't take it any more, watching Nikki go through…whatever. Nik and I were unbelievably lucky to have so much support from both sides of the family – her mother's family was pretty upset with my ex for bolting when the going got tough…And at some point, we found a combination of therapies that put her in a better place, but her lungs are really damaged already…she's probably going to need a lung transplant but she has a rare blood type…" he stopped and shook his head. "She has a good life full of friends…" He sighed. "Way to start our first date. I should have stuck with "no comment" for a while."

CJ shook her head. "We met under unusual circumstances and with our respective jobs, our dating schedule should prove interesting, to say the least. So I don't think we should expect any of this to be typical, if we want a chance at a relationship." She frowned. "Did I make any sense just now?"

He nodded, and smiled, and allowed himself to feel hopeful.

***

February 2005

It was raining. CJ thought that Nikki would hate this cliché – rain on her funeral. Nikki, like her father, had very little patience for clichés. Silently, CJ promised Nikki she would deck the first person to utter the "heavens are crying" line. Well, she amended that thought, unless the first person was the President. The Secret Service was already in a bad place today. The agents wanted to be there for Simon. So did the President and First Lady, which meant fewer agents could take the time off and attend the funeral off-duty. CJ sighed. It meant a lot to her and Simon to have the First Couple there, but it made for a logistical nightmare when planning the funeral. She glanced at the First Couple, standing to her right, and saw the grief on Abby's face, and the tears on the President's cheeks. It took a remarkably short time for Nicole Donovan to win over people's hearts.

***

June 2002

"Hi, I'm Nikki."

CJ wasn't sure what to expect, but the pretty girl with the shy smile wasn't at all what she expected. Four weeks into her relationship with Simon, they both felt the time was right for all three to get together. CJ was nervous. Simon assured her that so was Nikki.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" She asked.

"Why wouldn't it?" He countered as they parked in his driveway.

She really couldn't answer that.

Nicole Donovan had long brown hair and the same penetrating blue eyes as her father. CJ silently berated herself for expecting a sickly-looking waif. She would have to revise a lot of her assumptions and expectations, she thought.

"Hi Nikki, I'm CJ."

They looked at each other mutely for a moment, and then Nikki giggled. CJ grinned, and, catching Simon's amused expression, told the girl conspiratorially, "I think your dad is having fun at our expense."

Nikki smirked in Simon's direction and looked at CJ. "That's OK, payback's a bitch. Let me tell you about his first day on the White House detail…"

CJ laughed at Simon's spluttered "Nicole Marie Donovan!" 

The evening turned out to be one of the most enjoyable evenings CJ could remember. Nikki was bright and funny, thoughtful and sweet, and possessed her father's dry wit. Yet CJ could also see, as the evening wore on, that the girl was growing tired.

"I'll go set up your stuff," said Simon softly as CJ and Nikki were loading the dishwasher. The girl just nodded wordlessly. CJ decided that for once she would keep her mouth shut and not ask questions.

"I have a feeding tube, at night," said Nikki softly. "Because of the CF, it doesn't matter how much I pig out during the day, I can't keep my weight where it should be unless I get the formula at night."

"That's a lot to deal with," said CJ softly.

Nikki shrugged. "It's not like I have a choice. I don't like it but it beats dying, and I try to keep the best attitude I can, 'cause bitching sure isn't going to help." She smiled suddenly, a quick smile that lit up her face and eyes. "I'm pretty lucky, you know, because I have these great friends who don't freak out, and my dad, and my extended family – they never say 'Nikki's sick, she can't do this or that.' I'm never excluded." She frowned again. "But the tube sucks."

She looked up at CJ and said apologetically, "I don't usually make these speeches, you know, especially to people I just met. It's just…I really like you, and I don't remember ever seeing my dad this happy before…" She blushed. "Don't tell him I said that."

CJ nodded, not trusting her voice. She stepped forward and pulled the girl into a tight embrace. At that moment, as Nikki's arms wrapped around CJ's waist, the young girl became part of CJ Cregg's heart and soul.

***

February, 2005

Rain mingled with tears on CJ's face as she lifted her face up to the sky. 

"I love you, sweet girl," she whispered softly. "I love you so much."


	3. Chapter 3

August 2002

Simon stopped by the front porch and looked at the scene in front of him. Nikki was bundled in a light blanket, head in CJ's lap, and the two were talking quietly on the porch swing. He stood there and drank in the sight – they hadn't noticed him yet – until CJ lifted her head suddenly, sensing his presence.

"Hey stranger," she smiled.

"Hi dad," Nikki called cheerfully.

Simon walked over to them and kissed CJ lovingly, then knelt beside the swing and kissed Nikki's forehead.

 "You two make the sweetest picture," he smiled softly. He took CJ's hand in his, and with his other hand he caressed his daughter's hair. 

Nikki smiled contentedly and whispered, "Can we stay like this for a while longer?"

The words hit Simon with an almost physical force. Nikki was stable for a couple of years and he was lulled into thinking they can keep coasting. But her last checkup was ominous – her lungs were deteriorating again, and Dr. West indicated it was time to seriously start thinking about placing Nikki on the national lung transplant list. It was a rude wakeup call for father and daughter – they were running out of time.

'Please, God, can we stay like this for a while longer?' he thought, as he nodded and stayed kneeling besides his girls. 

Had it really only been three months since he started dating CJ, he wondered. The three of them have become a tight little family unit, and when he looked in CJ's eyes he saw the words hit her just as hard. How could he have been lucky enough to find a soul mate in the midst of the storm? 

When he finally got up to set up Nikki's feeding apparatus, the girl was quiet, and seemed to be struggling with something. Eventually, she looked up at CJ and asked softly, "Would come and say goodnight when I'm in bed?" 

"You bet," said CJ, stroking Nikki's hair. For the past three months, Simon's daughter didn't want CJ to come into her room and say goodnight, and CJ suspected the feeding tube had a lot to do with the girl's reticence. 

"Nik," she said softly, "are you worried I might not be able to handle what I see?"

"My mom left…" Nikki stopped, afraid to voice her fears, but desperately needing reassurance from the woman she already loved as a daughter would a mother.

"I'm not your mom, Nikki. I can take the hard stuff. I won't leave." She sighed. "I'm not very lucky in love, so I can't promise you I won't get on your dad's nerves eventually," Nikki snorted a "yeah, right!" in response. "But I can promise you I'll never leave you. No matter what."

From that evening on, unless CJ was away with the President, she always joined Simon in tucking Nikki in, and saying goodnight. 

***

February 2005

As the mourners left to go back to the house, Simon stepped near the mound of earth that covered Nikki's casket. He knelt down, one hand lightly digging into the soil. CJ knelt beside him, arms encircling his waist. 

"CJ," his voice broke, head dropping, "it's cold and lonely here…"

"She isn't here, love," CJ whispered, "Simon, she's here…" she touched his chest, over his heart. "And here…" she touched the same spot on her chest. "And in so many other hearts. Simon, she isn't cold, and she isn't lonely." 

'But God knows we are,' she thought silently, holding on to her husband. 

'Oh Nik, we miss you so much!'


	4. Chapter 4

December 2004

"CJ, Simon is on line 3," Carol said as she popped into CJ's office while CJ was getting ready to give her 10AM briefing.  CJ nodded and picked up the phone with a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Simon knew her briefing schedule, and for him to call literally minutes before a briefing was alarming, to say the least; especially since Nikki had just come home from the hospital, again.

"Si, what's wrong?"

He sighed heavily on the other side of the line. "CJ, I don't know. I just…Nikki won't talk to me. She's upset, she didn't want her CPT or meds today…but she won't tell me what's wrong. She did ask if she can come over and have lunch with you…" he trailed off. CJ's stomach tightened. Nikki occasionally rebelled against taking her medicines, but she never refused her Chest Physical Therapy (CPT). She knew very well that the price would be too high if she did.

"OK," CJ said softly, looking at her schedule. "Is she up right now?" 

"She has a headache, she's lying down." He said quietly. 

"Is one OK?" CJ asked.

"That's fine," he answered. "I'm sorry I called right before the briefing."

"That's OK," she responded. "Let's figure out what's going on." 

After the briefing and several meetings in which she was hardly present mentally, CJ went back to her office and tried to do some work. Deep inside, she knew what was on Nikki's mind. She suspected Simon knew too, but refused to acknowledge it.

Carol's heart gave a painful lurch when Simon brought Nikki to CJ's office at one. The girl looked tired and pale. Worse – she looked depressed. She was now on 24-hours supplemental oxygen, and CJ told Carol several days earlier that Nikki hated that part more than anything else. 

Carol ushered them into CJ's office and closed the door.

"Hey, baby." CJ kissed Nikki lovingly, and then kissed Simon. She noted how tired *he* looked, and wondered if she looked as bad. In the past six months, Nikki spent more time in the hospital than out, and the stress was taking its toll on all three of them. 

"I'll be on the cell," Simon said softly, returning her kiss. "If I don't hear from you, when should I pick Nikki up?" 

"I cleared my schedule till three," CJ touched his face gently. "She can probably rest here afterwards, if she'd like. I have some meetings but I can take them in other rooms around here." 

"Can I stay, dad?" Nikki asked quietly.

Simon looked at CJ. She nodded. He sighed and said, "OK, just buzz me when Nikki wants to go home." He kissed his daughter and left.

After he left, CJ thought some time by himself would do Simon good. "Respite time," her mother's hospice nurses called it so long ago. Time to recharge the caregiver's batteries, rest, live a life outside the trenches. Simon was on a leave of absence from the Secret Service – with Nikki's health situation so precarious, it was impossible for him to do his job effectively or safely. But he was her primary caregiver, and getting him to take care of himself was nearly impossible. CJ would have taken time off herself gladly, but they needed at least one salary, and if *she* were distracted, no one's life was at stake. So she stayed at work.  

She sat on the couch next to Nikki. "You were asleep when I left, sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you this morning."

"It's happening more these days," said Nikki bitterly, and CJ flinched.

"Honey I'm sorry…" she began, but Nikki cut her off.

"I didn't mean it like an accusation!" she cried out. She lowered her voice and said, "It's just… I'm getting worse."

"We may still get lucky and find a donor." CJ thought of all the people in the West Wing who have been spreading the word in the last year, and all those who were tested to see if they can be living donors for Nikki – a last resort option that was now desperately needed.

Nikki shook her head. "I keep hoping, and I keep getting sicker. And I…CJ, I don't want to die when I only just started living!"

CJ held her close, thinking of the past two years. Nikki spent a good chunk of the summer of 2002 practically living in CJ's office during the week, and befriended all of the Senior Staff and their assistants. She was able to make Toby laugh, which earned her a meeting with the President –"I had to meet the lady who made the impossible happen," he exclaimed. She loved learning about the workings of the West Wing, and turned her knowledge from the summer into an extra-credit project during the school year. 

She was CJ's Maid of Honor at CJ's and Simon's Rose Garden wedding, but the day held bittersweet memories for CJ. The wedding was beautiful, but Nikki struggled in the latter part of the day, and Abbey took her upstairs to the Residence, so she could rest. Looking in on her when the festivities were winding down, CJ and Simon knew there was no way they could leave on their honeymoon as planned. While the quiet week they spent at home turned out to be wonderful for all three, it was the point at which CJ realized how desperately sick Nikki really was. Somehow, she had lived in partial denial up to that point.

***

February 2005

In the car on the way back home, Simon retreated into his silence again. CJ touched his hand, but he didn't respond, not even glancing her way. He was gone again, the way he had been since Nikki died. And CJ started to feel anger rise in her, born out of grief and despair.

'I'm hurting too, damn you!' She wanted to scream. And she wanted to beg him not to shut her out. 'Look at me, Simon. I'm still alive. And we need each other, now more than ever.' 

But her husband kept staring out the window, his eyes focused on the image of a beautiful young girl with brown hair and blue eyes, the one he failed to protect.


	5. Chapter 5

March 2005

"I'm pretty sure I'm handling things as well as anyone can expect."

CJ looked up at Simon in disbelief mixed with panic. Could he really be that far in denial?

"Simon, you sleep all day and haunt the place at night, usually ending up in Nikki's room at some ungodly hour like 3 AM. You won't talk to anyone, you spend all your free time reading her diaries and crying, you don't eat…" She ran out of air and had to stop. He looked at her coldly.

 "I don't talk to anyone because no one would understand."

"Try me. I loved her too. I miss her so much!"

"You haven't raised a child, Claudia."

CJ sucked in her breath. The cruelty of his words felt like a physical blow. She turned away, hoping he wouldn't see the tears that sprang to her eyes. Who was this stranger masquerading as her husband?

At work she was falling apart. Unable to express her grief at home, and having been pushed aside so cruelly by Simon, she found herself unable to concentrate. She made stupid mistakes in the briefings, and found the media less forgiving than she expected. In a tearful heart-to-heart with Danny, she found out the press corps, while sympathetic, was of the same opinion as Simon, basically.

"They would have cut you more slack if you'd known her longer, or if she were your daughter."

"SHE WAS!"

"You know what I mean."  
"No, Danny, I really don't. Because I can't believe that anyone, even the White House Press Corps, would be cold-hearted enough to prorate grief on the basis of how long you've known a person! She was a child – my child – even if I didn't give birth to her or raised her."

She looked down for a moment and said quietly, "And it's not just Nikki that I lost…"

"Simon?" asked Danny softly.

"Yeah," CJ stood up abruptly and fled.

In her office, she leaned against her closed door, her breaths coming in harsh gasps. Being so close to Danny when she felt so alone and hurt brought back memories she didn't need right now. If she threw herself at Danny for all the wrong reasons, he *probably* wouldn't take advantage of her. But if she did go to him with the intent of seeking physical comfort, she would be betraying Simon – the REAL Simon – in the most fundamental way possible. CJ had no doubt her husband was somewhere inside that mad-with-grief stranger that lived with her now; he was hiding from his pain, hiding from the aching void where his daughter once was.

"Maybe you should take a leave of absence," Leo was saying, not unkindly.

CJ looked up at him, a mixture of humiliation, terror, and abject embarrassment written all over her face. When he asked her to come in for a talk that day, she knew what was in store.

"Leo, I can…I'll…"

"You're not being punished, kid." Leo looked at her steadily, his expression soft and understanding. It only made CJ feel worse.

"You've been through so much, especially as Nikki was getting sicker. You only took a week off after the funeral, and I suspect it was mostly for Simon's benefit, not yours. You need to take care of yourself."

CJ wanted to tell him that the only way she could stay sane right now was to come to work, because home was a nightmare with no waking up in sight. She wanted to beg Leo to let her stay because she needed the shelter the West Wing provided her right now. Yet she knew, as these thoughts raced through her mind, that of course this was proof she did need to step away. The White House wasn't a charity organization, nor was it a shelter for "the walking wounded." If she couldn't do her job, too much was at stake. 

Something Leo said struck her and she laughed bitterly. "'Simon's benefit,' Leo? How can you benefit someone who…" She stopped, horrified. She couldn't talk about it. She couldn't expose his weakness and her inadequacy. Not even Toby, her oldest and closest friend, knew the entire story. Although knowing him, he probably guessed.

Leo sighed, sat back in his chair, and closed his eyes.

"When Mallory was 16, she ran away from home. I guess she got tired of hearing Jenny scream at me every night when I came home from the bar. At any rate, she ran away. And I was convinced she was dead." He was quiet for a moment, and CJ looked down, waiting for him to go on. After a minute, he continued.

"What stays with me to this day, when I think of those days when she was gone, is not the increased sense of worthlessness I experienced, knowing it was me who drove her away. It's not the shame, or the humiliation of having to tell the police why I think she took off. No, what stays with me to this day is the aching emptiness where the best part of my soul used to be." 

He looked up and smiled tiredly at CJ. "She is everything that's good about me, you know? Even if her choice of dates sometimes drives me crazy. And I think there's something extra special about being a father to a daughter." He sighed. "I ran away from that emptiness. Instead of coming home late from the bar, I stayed until closing and passed out in the parking lot."

"He's running away too," she whispered.  "Leo, he's gone so far into himself that I don't think I can find him anymore."

"You're both running, CJ. But you're running in opposite directions. Right now, he needs you. You have to be the one to stop running and pull him back out. I don't think you can do it alone, but you have to be the one to start."

"Why me, Leo? What about my needs?"

"Because he spent seventeen years fighting a battle doomed to failure, and the same personality that makes him a top-notch Secret Service agent makes fighting a losing battle an unbearable situation for him. He's willing to take a bullet for a stranger, but there was no bullet he could take for his daughter. He couldn't fix it. And your needs have to come second for now, if you want him back."

She nodded, and got up to leave. "I'll get back to you about the leave, Leo." She hesitated. "I appreciate…your honesty. And…you know…everything else."

He waved a dismissive hand. As she opened the door, he called her back.

"Think about it, CJ – he's lost Nikki's mother because she couldn't handle the situation. There is a very good possibility he's pushing you away to prevent a repeat performance."

CJ looked at him, speechless and horrified. Suddenly, she had so much more to think about.


	6. Chapter 6

March 2005

Through sheer willpower, CJ got through the next week at work fairly well. She wasn't the wise-cracking Press Secretary, but she didn't make mistakes. She completed her tasks and seemed focused. 

She figured she should win an Oscar for her performance.

The strain at home and at work was taking its toll. On Friday she left work early, her head throbbing. Simon looked up from sorting the mail as she came in. She supposed the fact he picked up the mail was progress, but she was too tired to get her hopes up.

"You're home early," he said mildly. He didn't move towards her, and there was no warmth in his voice. There was only weariness.

"I'm really not feeling well. I called it a day."

He nodded and continued to shuffle through the mail.

"Your concern is overwhelming, Simon."

He looked up. "I'm pretty sure you'll live."

Pain rose in her, mingled with fury. "Would it really matter one way or the other?"

"Don't start, CJ."

She laughed bitterly. "No, I wouldn't want to distract you from your own private hell, which surely I can't understand, because as you so kindly pointed out last week, I never raised a child."

"What do you want from me, CJ?"

"I want you to get help. I have a name of a grief counselor…"

"I don't need a shrink to tell me losing my only child hurts."

"I think you need someone to show you how to handle the hurt." CJ put her hand to her head. "I can't do this right now. I'm going to lie down."

"Suit yourself."

CJ lay in bed, crying softly. She gazed at the nightstand, where photos of happier times gazed back at her. There was a picture of Nikki, gorgeous and radiant in her dark blue Maid of Honor dress, standing between CJ and Simon, her arms around each of them. A picture of Simon and CJ at the Inaugural Ball – the one they went to before the staff had to so quickly go back to work. A smiling Simon caught in a candid shot by Nikki, who loved photography as much as Simon loved drawing portraits…The world around her blurred and CJ sank into a fitful sleep.

She woke up disoriented, her head still throbbing. She got out of bed and went to the living room, her mind registering the fact that it was past 10PM. Simon was sitting on the couch, looking through photo albums.

"Simon, we have to talk," she whispered.

He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. "Have you noticed that lately you keep telling me what to do? 'You have to talk to someone.' 'You have to take care of yourself.' 'We have to talk.'"

"I'm sorry," she was still whispering. "But I don't know how…how to reach you. And I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of losing you. You…seem to be neglecting yourself to the point of danger. I keep thinking there is only so much your body can take…" She sighed. "And you haven't been yourself."

"Yeah, well, I lost the best part of me."

CJ remembered Leo's almost identical words about Mallory. She swallowed hard and went over to sit next to him. He stiffened and moved away.

"Simon…I'm not going to leave you. You can try as hard as you can to push me away, but I'm not going anywhere. And I'm really going to make you start taking care of yourself. I'm…"

"The hell you will," he hissed, and got up so abruptly she jumped back, half surprised, half frightened.

"Simon…"

"What makes you think I want you to stay?" he roared.

"WHAT?"

"I wish you…and everyone else…I wish you'd all LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"

"Yeah, 'cause it's tough knowing life goes on around you when you're hurt, isn't it?" She yelled. "And it's even tougher knowing people you care about are also hurting, and you can't help. That scares the hell out of you, doesn't it? Because Nikki was hurting, and you couldn't help…"

"STOP IT, DAMN YOU!" He roared. "LEAVE.ME.ALONE!"

He turned around and went into Nikki's room, slamming the door behind him.

*****

It was midnight when CJ rang the bell at Toby's house. Her eyes were red and her face deathly white.

"Do you give asylum?" she tried to joke.

He moved out of the way so that she could come in. "On what grounds?"

She waved a hand in the air, and it worried him she couldn't come up with a comeback. "Friendship," she said tiredly.

He nodded and gave her a loving hug before taking her coat. "You want a drink?" 

CJ snorted. "All too much. Which is probably why I shouldn't have one."

He disappeared into the kitchen and she heard the microwave going. He came back with a glass of warm milk. She looked at him with a mixture of laughter, tears, and gratitude. 

"Being a dad sure did something to you."

"Please don't finish that thought."

She chuckled and sipped the milk. She usually hated warm milk. At the moment, she had to admit, it was comforting, and it really didn't taste so bad.

She poured it all out then, sitting on the couch and crying into her mug of warm milk. She wasn't sure how long they sat together and talked. It was Toby's solid, no-nonsense presence that got through her fears and pain. It was his friendship that kept her sane that night.

He ran a warm bath for her and when she was done, she felt she might finally be able to sleep. Toby made a bed for her in the guest room.

"I owe you," she said drowsily as she started to drift off. "Toby, I owe you so much."

He waited until he was sure she was sleeping before he left the house. 

******

The pounding on the door woke Simon up from his usual nightmare. It was always the same nightmare, though it sometimes featured CJ, and other times it was Nikki. They were in mortal danger, they needed his help. He kept seeing their faces, pleading, terrified. He kept moving in their direction.

He never got to them on time.

He got up and his mouth went dry as he realized it was 3AM. A pounding on the door at 3AM was never a good thing. As a former police officer, Simon had a deep aversion to late-night pounding on doors. He looked through the peep hole. It was Toby. He flung open the door.

"What happened?"

Toby's eyes shot daggers at Simon. "It's 3AM. Do you know where your wife is?"

Simon blinked. Still reeling from his nightmare, he was slow to reach for the smoldering anger that was his constant companion since Nikki died. Toby walked in and closed the door. Simon found his voice.

"Stay out of my marriage, Toby."

"I'd love to, because frankly, I think you're too pathetic to warrant any concern." Toby's voice was dangerously calm, the way only Toby's voice could be right before he blew up.

"But you're married to my best friend, who just spent three hours crying on my couch, so I THINK I EARNED THE RIGHT TO BUTT IN!!" He finished with a roar.

If Simon were to be honest with himself, he would have acknowledged the fact that he felt immense relief at knowing that CJ went to Toby for emotional support, instead of going to Danny for…whatever she would go to Danny for if she were desperate and hurt enough.

He sighed and leaned against the door, his back to Toby.

"Does she plan on coming back?"

"Do you care?"

It seemed to be the question everyone was asking him lately. God, he was tired of fighting everything and everyone. 

"I care about very little these days," he acknowledged dully.

"Least of all your daughter's memory, it seems."

Simon spun around with a look on his face that would have sent a grown man cowering under the nearest bed. Toby was too angry to care.

"How dare you," Simon hissed. Toby looked him in the eye.

"You've become a selfish bastard with your head so far up your ass you can't even see the pain you're causing those who love you. Is THIS Nikki's spirit? You're not the man who raised this phenomenal child."

"I'm the man who lost this phenomenal child!" Simon roared.

 "Then maybe you should honor her memory by not becoming the antithesis of everything you RAISED HER TO BE!!" Toby roared back.

"Get out!" Simon said hoarsely. "Toby, I swear, I'll hurt you if you don't leave."

"CJ's staying at my place until you get the help you need." Toby left, slamming the door.

Toby hadn't actually discussed that last point with CJ, but the way she looked and sounded tonight frightened him. He loved them both, though of course he'd rather be shot than admit this to Simon. He wanted to help both of them. He and Andi were raising the twins on the "natural consequences" philosophy, and he thought some adults could benefit from it too.

He called Simon's brother and asked him to stay with Simon for the duration. Just in case the man was as desperate as he looked. He had to agree with CJ – it was a good thing Simon had to surrender his gun when he went on a leave of absence. He may not have been alive this long if he still had his service weapon.

*****

Back at the house, Simon stumbled to Nikki's room, trying not to feel the turmoil in his soul. He picked up her last diary, and opened it at a random page.

It was one of the last entries in the diary, written 2 weeks before she died. Simon read the page over and over again, his vision blurring, as the walls he constructed so well since her death began to crack and crumble.

            _The worse I get, the more it seems dad is retreating further into himself, which I guess is what I should have expected from my dad. He's as sweet and loving to me as always, but he hardly talks to anyone else, not even CJ. Knowing how irrationally pig-headed he is capable of being in the best of times, I can't imagine what he would be like once I'm gone. And it hurts me to think of CJ getting caught in his "web of despair." (Snicker. Hey, I'm dying. I can be melodramatic if I want!) I've seen dad retreat after grandpa died. They were so close, but I wasn't prepared for his grief. He scared me then. What will happen to CJ and him? He's gonna push her away, and then he'll be alone. I wish I could shake him sometimes! It seems the Secret Service persona takes over when he least needs it._

_How odd is it to be listening to "An innocent Man" right now? Hey dad, listen to this:_

_"You know you only hurt yourself out of spite  
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight  
That's your decision  
But I'm not below  
Anybody I know  
If there's a chance of resurrecting a love"_

_So if you're reading this, and I know you will at some point, go tell CJ how much you love her. 'Cause I really think I'm cool enough to fix things from the other side. And knowing you, things will need fixing. _

_I love you both so very very much. I just wish I could tell you again in person._

Simon slammed the diary shut, buried his head in her pillow, and cried for everything he lost, and everything that may be too broken to fix.


	7. Chapter 7

Simon could never harden himself to the younger generations of his family, including CJ's niece Hogan. As Simon and CJ's romance blossomed, Simon became "Uncle Simon" to Hogan, and she became a close friend and a big sister of sorts to Nikki. Both girls were bright, thoughtful, and fun-loving. When Nikki was well, they spent time talking about everything from guys, to the deeper aspects of life and how to truly enjoy it. When Nikki was not well, Hogan was one of the people who could always be counted on to be there for the younger girl, providing everything from comfort to welcomed distraction.

When Simon opened the door on Saturday afternoon, the day after CJ left, and found Hogan on the other side, his tired, hard feature softened and an actual smile crossed his lips. He had missed her. He felt closer to Nik when any of her friends dropped by, but that was becoming a rarity. They were all moving on with their lives, far faster than Simon could comprehend.

"Hey Hogan," he moved aside to let her in. She smiled shyly, never actually having gotten over her secret crush on him. Nikki, who was more observant than most adults Hogan knew, teased her mercilessly over that crush. Hogan missed Nikki so much it hurt.

She sat down and looked at her uncle, who brought her a Ginger Ale, to which she was hopelessly addicted, and a plate of Oreos, another of Hogan's vices. She groaned.

"Uncle Simon, you're the one who's always preaching healthy eating!"

"Yeah, but you're in college, so it's a losing battle."

She laughed. He smiled, and the smile never reached his eyes. Her heart ached when she looked at him, the way it ached earlier when she looked at her aunt. They both looked hurt beyond words, and were completely exhausted. It was mental exhaustion that would never be helped by sleep. They needed the strength and support they used to be able to give each other.

"I had lunch with aunt CJ today," she said quietly.

Simon looked down, fighting a rising sense of panic. He was going to lose CJ, the way he lost everyone that counted, everyone that made his life a life, rather than just an existence. He wished he could get immune to the pain.

God, he was SO tired of losing.

"Did she send you…"

"She doesn't know I'm here," Hogan cut in hurriedly. She really wanted to help them both, and she was telling the truth. She wanted Simon to understand she was there because she cared. She cared about her aunt and uncle, and she made a promise to Nikki before she died.

"Uncle Simon, remember when my friend Jeanie died?"

Simon bit his lip and nodded. Jeanie Morgan was Hogan's best friend, but she'd changed in the months preceding her death. She overdosed on cocaine one night, and Hogan kept wondering how she never realized her best friend got hooked on drugs when there was still time to save her. It was a very dark time in Hogan's life, and though it seemed like it happened ages ago, it was only a little over a year since Jeanie died.

"I couldn't talk about it to anyone. I felt so angry, guilty, betrayed…I couldn't talk to ANYONE, I just kept crying."

One of Simon's passions in his career as a police officer was getting kids off drugs, or making sure they never started. As a Secret Service agent, he still felt the need to mentor kids, and hooked up with Anthony as the teen's Big Brother. In addition, he lectured in DC's high schools whenever his schedule, and Nikki's health, permitted. 

It wasn't surprising, therefore, that Simon was the one who knew exactly what to say to Hogan in these dark days after Jeanie died.

"We had this long talk one day, remember?" Hogan asked softly. "And you told me so much stuff that helped. And you ended with two things…"

"Hogan, I don't…I CAN'T do this now." Simon said desperately.

"Why?"

"Because…" he sighed wearily, unable to verbalize of a good reason. 'Because I'm tired. Because she was my daughter, and died from a disease I was partially responsible for giving her. Because I can't seem to climb out of this hole and get the help I need so CJ can come back…' The words raced through his mind, and never reached his lips.

"You told me all the stuff I was feeling, the grief and anger and guilt, you told me bottling it up inside was like having a malignant tumor. That if I didn't take care of it it was going to grow out of control and end up consuming me."

"Yes," Simon whispered.

"Uncle Simon, did you ever hear Josh Lyman tell the story of the guy that fell into a hole?"

"What? No, I don't think so."

"He said Leo McGarry told him the story when Josh was diagnosed with PTSD after Rosslyn. Anyway, this guy walks down the street and falls into a hole. The walls are smooth, and he can't see a way out. A priest comes by. The calls out, 'Father, I'm down here, can you help me out?' The priest writes down a prayer, throws it down the hole. A doctor walks by. 'Hey doc, I'm down here, help me out.' The doctor writes a prescription and throws it down the hole. Then a friend walks by. 'Hey Joe it's me, can you help me out?' His friend jumps in the hole. The guy says 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!' His friend says 'Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out.'"

Simon looked at Hogan, speechless. His head dropped and a strangled sob escaped his throat. Hogan knelt beside him.

"Nikki told me you and CJ were both going to need help after she died. I promised her I'll help you, as much as I could."

_I'm cool enough to fix things from the other side._

"What was the second thing?" Simon whispered.

"Second thing?" Hogan was lost for a minute.

"You said I ended with two things. You told me one. What was the second?" He realized how far gone he was if he really couldn't remember that conversation. Hogan's parents practically worshiped him from that day on.

Hogan smiled. "I'll tell you when you're better and aunt CJ is home."

Simon nodded. Slowly he raised his head. Hogan stood up, unsure of what to say next. Simon put out his hand.

"Help me out of the hole, Hogan," he whispered.

Her face broke into a huge smile. She gripped his hand in hers and promised, "I will."

  
 


	8. Chapter 8

April, 2005

"CJ." His voice broke her heart. It was filled with sorrow, pleading, and pain. He looked worse than he did when she left, and she didn't think that was possible.

It'd been four weeks since Simon had his talk with Hogan. She got the name of the grief counselor from CJ that very day, and Simon agreed to go. The therapist's name was Dr. Robinswood, and though he'd only seen her six times so far, he had to admit he probably needed her expertise after all. She was warm and non-judgmental. She made suggestions – not recommendations, just suggestions. He found those easier to swallow. Most importantly, he was able to vent his anger and grief in a safe environment that placed no demands on him, other than that he be honest with himself and with her.

One of Dr. Robinswood's suggestions was to get Simon and CJ together in her office for a joint session. At first, Simon balked. He'd regained enough of his equilibrium to realize he'd said some fairly inexcusable things to CJ. He was too embarrassed to face her. During their few phone conversations CJ was guarded. She let him take the lead and didn't bring up any subjects on her own. For his part, Simon was still too lost and raw to dare a plunge into the subject of their relationship. Their mutual reticence resulted in fairly superficial conversations that did nothing to bring them closer to healing. Once Simon grasped that fact, he reluctantly agreed to ask CJ to join him in a session. She showed no reluctance in accepting. In fact, the relief in her voice when she accepted nearly overwhelmed him. 

He was already in the waiting room when she walked in, and for the first time since Nikki died, Simon wanted to live again. He called CJ's name and she walked to him, reaching out to touch his face with her hand.

"Hey there."

He gripped her hand. "You look tired."

"Those who live in glass houses…" she tried to smile. 

"Yeah."

"I miss you, Simon." She really didn't mean to say it. The words were out before she had a chance to think this through and she panicked. She couldn't take another rebuff.

He wanted to ask her, no, _beg _her, to come home. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was, for striking out at the one closest to him when his pain seemed so intolerable he wanted to die. He wanted to promise her he'd spend the rest of his life making up for the cruelty of the past two months. But all he managed was a brief nod, and a softly whispered, "How've you been?"

_Ask me to come home, _she wanted to say. Instead, she kept it light. "Oh, you know…I work, I eat, I sleep…I try to keep Josh away from reporters."

He smiled. "I haven't seen any uproar in the paper lately, so I guess you've been successful at that." And if nothing else, his ability to play along with her was proof enough that he was on the road to recovery.

***********************

May 2005

"You got everything?"

"Toby, for the millionth time, can you resist the urge to parent everything in sight? Yes, I have everything."

"Bet I'll be bringing a cartload of your stuff to the office on Monday."

CJ zipped up her suitcase and straightened up. "Then…you'll be unbearably smug as usual and I'll have to put up with it, as usual. You understand I'm going home to my husband, right? And that we're going away for a long weekend? Someplace with no phones or TVs. It'll be just me and Simon. And unless I see a mushroom cloud in the distance, for once I'm not going to worry about the state of the country, or the rest of the world."

Toby's face softened. "Good for you."

She paused, having expected more verbal sparring from her old friend. His quick surrender penetrated her euphoria. She sat on the edge of the bed in what had been her room for nearly three months and looked up at him, her blue eyes dark with anxiety and uncertainty. "Toby, I'm scared."

He sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "So's Simon, I bet." 

She smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah, probably."

"You both worked hard together to get to today. Don't rush it, CJ. It'll come back, whatever 'it' may be." He frowned, the vagueness of the sentence offending the writer in him. He decided to let it go this time. "You know you both love each other. The rest will…" He sighed, not wanting to utter clichés.

"Fall into place?" CJ smirked as Toby cringed. 

"Something like that."

 She kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly. "Thank you for being the best friend a girl can have, Tobus."

He pushed her away and coughed. "Get out of here. You sure you've got everything?"

She stepped on one of the twins' toys; they always ended up in her room somehow. She picked it up and threw it at Toby. "I'll see you on Monday, _mom._"

"CJ," he called after her and she turned.

"Yeah?"

"You have to build a relationship with an empty space where there once was a child. Just because it takes time doesn't mean it won't happen. Remember how far you've come already, OK?"

She nodded. He smiled softly. "Keep your chin up. He's worth the fight."

*******************

In their hotel room that night, Simon paced restlessly as CJ pretended to read. He sat down beside her on the bed and touched her hand briefly. She looked up.

"I've been numb for so long…" he stopped, unsure how to proceed. CJ put the book aside and sat closer to him, running her fingers through his hair. He'd almost forgotten how much he loved that feeling. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. "Help me feel life again, Ceej. I need…" He couldn't continue. 

He didn't have to.

Her fingers teased him in a way he'd remembered from a lifetime ago. She pulled him close and felt him shake in her arms. She whispered soft, comforting, loving words. He let her work her magic, and as their bodies merged, their souls reconnected. When they reached the edge and tumbled over, the walls around his heart finally crumbled. She held him as he cried. They cried together, grieving and rejoicing in life at the same time. 


	9. Epilogue

They walked in a wooded area, holding hands and not speaking. The air was filled with the sounds of spring -- birds calling, leaves rustling in a soft breeze. Renewal, thought CJ, for nature and for us. They reached a clearing with a small pond and stood there for a long time. Simon wrapped his arms around his wife and sighed softly. CJ looked up at him with a sad smile.

"Nikki would have loved this place," she said quietly.

He nodded. "I was just thinking that."

CJ leaned against Simon, feeling, once again – it had been so long – the strength in his body, and in his soul. They would both grieve for a long time, but Simon was no longer running away, and he wasn't afraid to lean on her when he felt overwhelmed.

CJ pulled back slightly and looked at him. "Do you know what day it is?"

He traced the line of her jaw with a gentle finger. "It's our wedding anniversary." He answered quietly.

CJ looked up at the sky. "You brought us here on purpose, didn't you, sweet girl?" she said softly. 

In the rustling of the leaves they thought they heard Nikki laugh. As Simon pulled CJ into a deep kiss, they could hear her voice, as clearly as if she were standing right there:

"I knew I was cool enough to fix things from the other side."


End file.
